It's been '1'derful!

As we completed a year of being away from India and in the Bay Area, I can't help myself reflect about what this place is all about. I absolutely cannot deny that the Grand United States has clean roads with high speed lanes and little pollution, great infrastructure and schools and parks and what not. But that you and I knew already and repeating any of that adds no value of perspective. I appreciate all of it, mistake me not. I  wonder what then would be those few things that stand out for me, that will remain with me as life lessons when I leave this place in a few years.

First... is the respect and courtesy everyone shows to a fellow human being. Be it the executive at the barista counter to the server or the sales guy at the theater ticket counter to the customer or the passer by on the streets. There is always a polite smile and a harmless kind greeting that everyone has for the other. The simplicity and thoughtfulness of this cultural trait absolutely amazes me. I must admit, when I am in a long line (can't say queue in America!) and finally get to the front with several people still beside me, I sometime gush straight to the point (force of habit) and then am baffled and absolutely embarrassed at my crassness when the sales person flashes his wide smile and 'how are you doing today' with just the right dollop of sweetness.

Second is the tremendous love for the outdoors, sports and fitness I see all around. Mostly people here are up and about. They hike, bike, trike, walk and take part in all kinds of sports. There is a place for everything. The same zeal is passed down from parents to kids. I love the seriousness with which a father teaches the child to sled or ski or the mother bikes with kids in a trailer. Its envious how it runs in the DNA and is valued much over domestic activities. There is lot more seriousness about play over work or study making a person worldly wise and adventurous. I was absolutely gobsmacked seeing fencing classes and indoor skydiving and deep sea diving lessons on offer and parents religiously pushing their kids to get involved. I am hoping that by the time I leave this country I start getting into a regular fitness regimen and improve my overall wellbeing..

And lastly, I really envy the tremendous DIY spirit here in America. Everyone is an engineer on their own merit here, building and fixing and hauling their own houses and cars and boats and what not. This is completely unlike the hoards of pseudo engineers India's private engineering colleges produce en-mass with no aptitude or eye for designing or problem solving. Hired help is expensive here and that forces you to be independent and innovative and boy, what fun it is to do something on your own from scratch. This is something that I always had in me a little bit, but out here, I've grown wings! In my little way, be it with being innovative at the kitchen or with handiwork around the house, I an always setting myself up for bigger challenges. This one year has been great for me personally, with me planning a great outdoor birthday party for Taanvi with DIY decorations, baking a super fancy birthday cake for Ajith, going crazy with fancy appetizers in the oven and making decorative pendant lamps. Let's see what more I can build in the next years to come!

 My 1st year celebration DIY lampshade :)

I can't do great things but I can do small things in a great way...

I read somewhere that it is not hard to make a decision once you know what your values are. That got me thinking about what my values really are? What would be the principles I would like to stand by when I am put to a test?

And then I came up with the following list. Hoping this will keep me honest!

[Tolerance] Every person is different - it is hard to measure using one yardstick. Every time someone drives me nuts, I try hard to hold off on reacting immediately and as I wait I start gathering more perspective and with that comes more self rationalization. Eventually, I may still react, but it's way more mild and acceptable to the recipient. I was not always this way, speaking my mind is something I am known for but people who have and still see/deal with me all the time will know that I have come a long way and take lot more in my stride.

[Honesty] Folks around me must have heard me say this - when you hit the bed in the night, your heart needs to feel light for you to sleep well. I absolutely endorse this. If you are dishonest to someone you are dishonest to yourself and that will affect your quality of sleep for sure. If you have a conscience that is. And if you are someone like me who spends a lot of time thinking.

Also, when someone asks for my opinion I tell them the truth. Sometimes honesty is brutal but I believe if you've been asked you should say it. I am brutally honest and more often than not I am hated for it on the face of it, but over the many years every time someone wants real feedback they say they are better off coming to me. I am really equally receptive to feedback.

I personally am always genuine in my  compliments. Fake compliments I find insufferable. When I don't have a genuine compliment I try to shut up. No compliment is better than a fake one.

[Effort] Giving all your responsibilities an honest try is something I want to embody. If you are an employee, a husband, wife, a mother, a colleague, a manager, whatever; give that role an honest effort - it will bring the best out of you. If you still fail, move on, don't suffer a role you are not cut out for, do the world a favor...

[Good Listening] I want to be a genuine listener when someone is talking to me or sharing something with me. If I am distracted, I want to say it's not a good time. But if I am there physically, I want to be there mentally as well 100%. I am still somewhat far from being able to do this well. Also, I try to jump to solutions too fast. I need to remember that several times all someone is asking for is that I listen, not provide solutions!

[Ability to accept a mistake] We all make mistakes all the time. We try new things and fail, sometimes other are impacted. I like to say sorry so I can accept and move on. I feel I can be a much larger person if I don't drag out the wrong move and live in denial. Every time I say sorry, the air clears up.

[Gratitude] People are always doing things around us, small and big. If we are able to recognize that, be grateful and show our gratefulness, the happiness quotient in the world will go up. Also, it will extend the potential of giving forward...

That's my list. Do you have one?

In Pursuit of Happiness

Happiness is an abstract entity with a moving goalpost.

For example, if you think, 'Only if my son scored a first class I'd be happy' or 'If my husband was less lecherous I'd be content' or 'If only i'd be taller...'Yes, it's true that all of this would bring you happiness if achieved, but that happiness would for sure be short-lived. Once you gained that, your heart and mind will settle on the next object.  Such as, 'Now that my son has a first class, I'll be thirlled if he gets into Stanford' or 'Hubby dearest is no longer hitting on other women, thank goodness, but only if he was less of a workaholic and spent more time with me...' Sigh.

Don't, dear friend, base your happiness on something you don't have, that you may have in the future. Because that is largely outside your control and that way you'll always be wanting. Instead derive your happiness from the present, from what you currently have and you'll find the truest gift of satisfaction. A good way to do that is to look at what you have and reflect on how fortunate you are to have it (conversely you can also think of those who don't have what you have) and be grateful. Seek happiness within rather than without. You will be surprised by how much there is to be pleased about, to feel blessed and happy.

Also, try not to have your happiness depend on expectations from others, base it on your own actions and potential repercussions because that alone is what you can influence. For example, if having your grown up child spending more time with you would make you happy, that my friend, may or may not happen and your depression may deepen. But you could find solace in a book, man's best friend- that's in your control entirely. If ice-cream makes you happy, get one yourself. Please don't expect your partner to get it for you. If they do, that is awesome. If they don't, don't be hurt :)

In conclusion, take charge of your happiness. Make it happen on your own merit. 

As I grow older I am more and more happy everyday because I truly practice the thoughts above. These have given me strength and calmness and faith in my potential to affect my own happiness. Not saying I am never depressed, but I have better handle on my state of being :)

For those who want to hear more on this topic, Sadhguru's video may be a great place to stop by!