Patriarchy, Phulkas, Paychecks and everything in between: The 5 Indian Gen X/Y Men...

After 20 years of navigating the corporate corridor and social circles dominated by men - I’ve noticed a pattern. The higher middle to upper class Indian family man from the 60s to 80s is currently in a fascinating, sometimes messy, state of evolution caught between the "values" of his father and the "vibe" of his Insta / LinkedIn feed. Depending on his personality and how much he’s unlearned, he usually falls into one of five categories described below.

Note: These are frivolous broad urban archetypes and recurring patterns observed by me to invoke conversation and humor, so I have deliberately kept it light, airy, decent not ventured into deeper areas of psyche and behavior (which is not uncommon unfortunately)

On my mother in law...

My mother-in-law Maniammal Devakumar passed away on November 20, 2025. For 2 weeks after her passing, I had so many reflections crowding my mind, but nothing concrete that I could write down. Finally when my sister-in-law wrote a moving tribute as her daughter on Facebook, I was able to anchor my thoughts as the “perspectives of the daughter-in-law” 🙂

---------

As an individual...

My MIL was, without a doubt, one of the most disciplined people I’ve known, and I don't use praise lightly. She adhered to her daily routine with an almost sacred commitment. If you observed her for a day, you could map out her precise actions by the clock - her bath time, her meal prep time, her phone calls time, and her afternoon nap time.

She was also incredibly resourceful and fiercely independent. Since my father-in-law passed 18 years ago, she managed life on her own terms. She handled the marriage of both kids, navigated countless medical appointments, multiple hospital stays, her personal finances and overseas travel with confidence, minimally asking her children for help. She made 20 long-haul flights back and forth from US post her retirement all the way up to 2025. Of those, Ajith and/or me accompanied her the first, third and last time while every other time she flew solo. She had a reliable contact for every need - auto drivers on speed dial and relatives and friends within reach, knowing exactly who to call for what. She even knew when to reach out to my parents in Kolkata for things they would best assist with! 😄

She was just smart! If people gave her advice she did not agree with, she never argued, she’d listen but ultimately do what she thought was right. A funny anecdote on her smartness - One day my mom and MIL were both standing in front of a shelf of sarees. I was describing to my mom in Bengali which one to pull out. My mom was confused, but my MIL, who didn't speak or understand Bengali instinctively reached out and pulled out the right one. We all laughed at how she followed my Bengali directions faster than my bong mom 😛

MIL was superb with interpersonal relationships. She kept in touch with everyone, some yearly on birthdays, some monthly, some weekly and some daily (as though on schedule!). It was only after she passed that I realized that her regular messages to her daughter and some close friends were a clever alerting system: if people didn't hear from her, they knew to check in. (No more hate for ‘good morning’ messages, people!). She had a lovely close group of forever friends in Chennai and also created her own group of Bay Area friends from her yearly visits! She maintained a healthy relationship with my parents staying in Kolkata with them for weeks, visiting them with her friends and going on trips with them without needing me as a go-between!

And she loved to socialize with just about anyone. During her US visits, her happiest days were when we had visitors at home or we were visiting someone. All our friends have interacted with her multiple times and when she'd be back in India, she'd ask about everyone by name, genuinely curious about their whereabouts. Once we were at a camp at Larsen Volcanic National Park, and two heavily tattooed men on humongous Harley Davidsons rode up to the cottage next to us. Next thing I know, my MIL had made friends with them and was posing for photos with them and their bikes to share with her friends in India! 😬

When Taanu was born, Aunty was born as a grandma. Though she struggled initially to adjust to a new relationship dynamic, they quickly developed the most magical grand parent-child bond, much like the one I treasured with my own grandmother. All the way up until 2025, every time MIL visited from India, Taanu would move her pillow from her room to her Paati’s room and camp there for the entire 5-6 months she stayed. Paati had a gentle, patient, and friendly way with children; she managed all 4 of her grand children effortlessly, without ever resorting to coercion. They adored her easygoing nature and gentle affection.

---------

As a Mother-In-Law…

MIL and I first met in 2007; DH and I got married in 2010. It was not an easy adjustment for her - a Hindu, Bengali, non-vegetarian, non tamil speaking girl from out of town for her Jain Tamil vegetarian son from Chennai! At first, she secretly hoped the fling would pass. When the relationship was here to stay and we met multiple times, she once gently suggested I consider turning vegetarian. I half jokingly replied, "I could give up my fish if you could give up your dosa, Aunty!" That set the record straight and it never came up again! She quickly adapted to value our "odd combo," and we built a rhythm that weathered years of living harmoniously together.

I called her 'Aunty,' and we were both clear that marriage didn’t instantly make us mother-daughter like is believed in many indian cultures including mine! I had my mother, and she had her children. But it didn't diminish our bond either. Our relationship wasn’t overtly cute or mushy, nor was it fake, strained or superficial like the stereotypical saas-bahu sagas - we were like partners with common assets and mutual respect and got along better together under one roof than I would perhaps with my own mum 😂

In the kitchen, we had an organic division of labor on regular days. When we hosted guests, especially for a South Indian meal, we would plan together. If we decided on 8 items, she'd volunteer to make half while I made the other half. MIL would send me a grocery list on Whatsapp and start on her cooking a day in advance (since her ability to do much in one day was limited). There was one time when she was done with her entire share of cooking while I was yet to start and asked if she could take over my set too. I gladly delegated and gave her all the credit for the sumptuous meal. Likewise, she would openly praise my south indian cooking skills in front of everyone and was especially pleased when one time I invited all her bay area friends for dinner and cooked a meal for them.

If she had an unfulfilled bucket-list item, she would let me know, somehow believing it had a better chance of being fulfilled if I caught onto it. Whether it was about visiting temples on all special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries), or going to a particular gold shop on an exceptionally crowded day (where others would refuse), or seeing the Niagara Falls, the Grand Canyon, or the Taj Mahal, or Rajasthan, I feel fortunate that I was able to chase down many of her desired destinations over the years. My special memories are from when she saw/experienced snow for the first time in July 2017, or when she was beyond excited to be at the Niagara falls and when she pushed herself extra hard and walked double, probably triple her capacity to explore New York downtown in July 2019!

She loved going out. In the US we always picked houses close to a park just so she could walk there easily in the evenings, often with Taanu in tow. However, if she did not get her park trip for a few days in a row (mostly because it was too cold for her), I would call from work and ask - want to go out? She was eveready for this and as I would pull up the car into the driveway early evening, she'd be dressed and waiting post her afternoon nap and tea! Our outings weren’t fancy: sometimes just getting groceries, picking up the kids from school, driving to a class, visiting the temple, going to the park, or shopping followed by dinner. In recent years, besides the frequent South Indian restaurants, she developed a particular fondness for Radhe Chaat. There, we’d split two or three different stuffed parathas and a bowl of Shrikhand for a simple, hearty meal with the kids.

I always worried about her very fragile health and proclivity to fall violently sick over the most innocuous ailment. She appreciated me nursing her back to health after her near death encounter of 2012 and several hospital visits since. However, during her US visits, my fear peaked due to the unreliable healthcare system here specially for a visitor. I would constantly monitor what she ate in my characteristic bossy style. If she resented it, she never showed it to me directly 😉

---------

This is toooo long a eulogy already (and I know you've moved on!) and yet I have so much more to say! How do I write in brief about a person I shared a huge portion of my adult life with under the same roof - spent most time with right after my husband and daughter...But I must stop now! 

In parting, Aunty, I am glad you are reunited with Uncle up there - I hope he's buying you flowers to match your saree as you both ride to the beach on his bike! I am truly grateful to God that you were active until the very last week of your life and experienced a peaceful passing without prolonged suffering surrounded by all your loved ones. I always worried about being far from my parents and you during a crisis. It must be your good karma that ensured we (your son, daughter and family) all received the right signal in time and were by your bedside to say our goodbyes while you could still see and hear us. Your daughter and son definitely, but Taanu and I needed that closure as well. I will always remember you for your wisdom and promise to keep your legacy alive by keeping up the beautiful relationships you introduced me to and recreating the signature recipes I learned from you. Rest in peace. ❤️

2025

2025 was a sobering year. It taught me, more than ever, that very little is truly within my control. The only thing I can influence is how I show up—keeping my humility, my humanity, and my humor intact for whatever remains.

On Humility

I have always maintained that life has been kinder to me than I ever imagined it would be. Not a day goes by where I don’t marvel at the life I have: a loving family, a dream job, a beautiful home and more. When I look closer, I realize I am a lucky recipient of good fortune. I could have just as randomly and easily been born into a different family, a war-torn country, or a persecuted minority and living a nightmare instead of a dream. Also, even good fortune can turn into fate in a single stroke. What I "possess" is not entirely of my own doing so it is not something to feel entitled to or smug about. It is a gift held in trust and humility.

On Humanity

Because I know how fragile my own "good luck" is, I want to move through the world with a deeper sense of humanity. It’s the simple, golden rule: What would I want to receive if the tables were turned? It sounds easy, but when life gets in the way, it’s the hardest thing to remember. I’ve found that whenever I start to lose perspective or forget my privilege, the universe has a way of grounding me.

On Humor

Often I keep coming back to Rabindranath Tagore’s words: সত্যেরে লও সহজে (accept the truth with simplicity) from his poem বোঝাপড়া that has become my North Star. Crude translation of one verse ...

Not all were made to your size

Nor were you made to fit all,

Some push you to the edge

While you get some to play ball-

But why must there be

So much of stress and aching?

If you reach for it the right way

Bliss is there for the taking.

The dawn’s light still feels sweet

The sky still stays as blue

When death comes, suddenly it strikes

That Life is the better of the two.

For whom the tears flowed

And without whom nothing seemed right

Now it seems even without

The world glows no less bright.

Tell thyself today,

Whether the truth be stormy or breezy

Let it on your mind sit easy.

I’m striving for that simplicity and humor. I want to be the person who doesn't default to offense, who assumes the best intentions, and who can still find a reason to laugh when things go sideways. The underlying truth is really not complex unless we make it so...

|| The Hard Truth ||

2025 tested my resilience multiple times. It brought near death misadventures, health scares, family crises, the deep ache of losing a family member, and repeated trauma from these. Every time I thought I had just weathered one storm successfully, another wave struck, knocking down my confidence. It showed me that no amount of resilience is "enough" if fate is set against you and it reminded me that when everything else is falling apart, my humility, my humanity and my humor could still be strong anchors ⚓.

Pura Vida, 2026. Let's try this again.

In memory of RBG, don't give up the good fight- woman are still a minority!

If you are part of a minority group, any minority group, you have a responsibility to affect change for your community for all future generations to come. Nobody could have taught us that better than Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

To be truthful, I did not know of her as much until after her death. Now the more I read of her, the more I want to learn and the more my eyes well up with tears rioting for release. To think that this woman, this diminutive soft-spoken woman made such fundamental changes to what we take for granted today is nothing short of confounding. Without her work (link) as part of the US Justice system

- state funded schools in the US could choose to not admit woman

- bank accounts or mortgages could no be held by woman without a man co-signer

- equal pay for equal work for woman and men would not have gotten better

- pregnant women at the workplace would not be protected

- same sex marriages would not be a reality

These are all the things I take for granted today thanks to this woman's groundbreaking contributions! This woman who cared for her newborn daughter and husband suffering from cancer at the same time all while attending Harvard herself and typing papers dictated by her husband for his academia! This woman who herself suffered 5 bouts of cancer and underwent chemo and radiation therapy without missing a day on the bench even at an advanced age of 67 and beyond. This woman, who, even in her death, makes history for women as the first woman to lie in state at the US Capitol after 34 men have had this honor in the last 160+ years.

All of us women, all around the world, must honor her legacy by doing our part in taking this crusade for equal rights forward. Not all of us can be legends, however a crucial step for womanhood each of us must undertake is to believe in one self, in one's ability to be an equal player at home and beyond and to not let anything deter from that faith. Covid has pushed woman's liberation back 20 years with far reaching social and economic consequences from mass unemployment and from the need to provide in-home childcare the burden of which falls disproportionately on women. However, this is not the time to give up - this is just our first of 5 cancers and we must forge forward, with more resolve than ever before! Women must participate in decision making, women must be independent and women must insist on equal rights at home and beyond, with parenting and economic contributions shared with men. 

Let's not give up on the good fight! Let us all, in our small ways, be part of a history where our daughters and granddaughters can look back in disbelief that there was once a world where equality was not a given.

An ode to Kali, my inner goddess!

When Durga and her assistants struggled to destroy Raktabija the demon due to his ability to repeatedly clone himself with every drop of his blood, the furious goddess summoned Kali!

Kali is said to be the anger that burst from Goddess Durga's forehead. Once born, the black goddess slay all the demons she came across, stringing their heads on a garland around her neck. It seemed impossible to calm this most powerful form of shakti so the mighty Shiva eventually stopped her by lying down in her path.

Kali is a most unconventional woman, with knife dripping blood and a skull-topped staff, decorated with a garland of severed heads and a skirt of dangling arms; with a deep red lolling tongue and bloodshot eyes impetuously slaughtering and devouring evil, dancing with one foot on a collapsed Shiva...she is every bit the antithesis of Parvati!

Even in domestic matters, Parvati calms Shiva, counterbalancing his destructive tendencies while Kali provokes his mad, antisocial, disruptive nature. "It is never Kali who tames Shiva, but Shiva who must calm Kali!"

Kali reminds me that in a world of dignity for all, there needs be no patriarchy or matriarchy, male chauvinism or feminism, beautiful and ugly.

Kali reminds me that women need not doll up to portray their sexual appeal; or unequally take on the role of the keeper of the house or nurturer for the child- women should be an equal force within and without taking the world by storm with their inner strength, slaying the demons along the way and standing tall radiating their inner beauty.

Kali reminds me that truly honorable men would not hesitate to lay at their women's feet... Shiva the protector of the universe softens Kali's wrath amidst her frenzied victory dance by surrendering to it. Their relationship here illustrates the interaction between the benevolent and the destroyer, not the man and the woman. They portray the Yin and Yang of creation, the power couple of universe that grabbed gender bias by its balls!

Perhaps this is as good as it gets

I am not able to get over the deep burden of sorrow that heavily weighs me down some days!

Today is Valentine's day- so much joy and celebration for many people and yet so much sorrow for so many others. 40 soldiers were killed in Kashmir today by terrorists- what must their spouses feel? What memory will Valentine's day invoke for them the rest of their lives? India will retaliate and yet some more people will die- does it matter which side the people dying are on? The loss that those left behind feel- is there any way to fill that void? Does war victories help diminish the pain?

Valentine's day 12 years back is also when my father in law passed away. Every year this day brings profound sadness to my mother in law and imagining myself in her shoes, I feel deeply sad as well.

Back to today, with a heavy heart I dropped my daughter to school and was driving to work- there was a beautiful rainbow in the sky. As I looked at it, the well inside me broke and I started crying uncontrollably over the steering wheel for those who lost their loved ones. Will they ever look at a rainbow again and feel joy?

I came to work and I work at my desk- but I am sluggish and disoriented. I go get coffee and stop at the bathroom. There I run into Marian Croak. (Aside: I recently read about her to my daughter. Marian was named the 2014 Black Engineer of the Year award and FireceWireless Most Influential Women in Wireless. My daughter's been such a fan that she wanted to talk about Marian in her class when she was the historian for a week and responsible for reading history snippets. While I could not explain to my daughter what VoIP means, which Marian is credited to develop a lot of, I told her this women invented the infrastructure that supports the video chats with her grand parents in India and she has been in awe!)

Marian is so so sweet! I told her my daughter is her fan and she so very humbly said I should introduce them if I ever bring her in to work :) I took a picture with her to show my daughter- surely that will spark joy for her this Valentine's Day!

The world is full of horror and beauty in equal measures. There must be some balance and some meaning to all of this in totality. 

''And still this emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets
When you've given up the drink and those nasty cigarettes
Now I leave the party early at least with no regrets
I watch the sun as it comes up I watch it as it sets
Yeah this is as good as it gets''

Bear Encounters at Katmai National Park, Alaska!

"A beary beary scary experience at Katmai!"

Written by the friendly: Ajith Kumar (my husband)

Katmai National Park is one of the most prominent destinations in the world to see, observe and photograph Brown Bears (aka grizzlies). These are some fearsome beasts that need to be treated with a lot of respect as they are very temperamental and could go curious to furious within seconds.

This American national park is only accessible through air from Anchorage and number of entrants into the park is highly regulated. Brown Bears roam freely here and the visiting humans have to walk through the woods for a couple of miles (without any protective enclosures) to access the Brooks Falls Platform where the bears congregate to hunt the abundant sockeye salmon fish.

Early July 2018 we visited the park (husband, wife and 5 year old child). We transferred from Anchorage to a small unpaved airstrip in Kulik. We were accosted by thousands of mosquitoes on arrival before boarding our float plane for a short flight to Brooks Camp where the bears abound. Landing on an unpaved runway and flying on a float plane were both firsts for us, but more adventure awaited at Katmai.

After landing at Katmai we proceeded to the National Park Services visitor center for a quick orientation on etiquette to follow during our visit. This was an important session as the tips provided came in very handy later that day. We were told that we were highly likely to share the trail to Brooks Falls with bears. The rangers made it very clear that bears were not to be messed with (especially if its a mother with cubs) and a respectful distance (50 feet for bears alone and 100 feet for bears with cubs) should always be maintained at all times. More importantly, no running if you are accosted by a bear as that would kick off its attacking instincts and prompt an attack. [Read more here]

With palpable nerves we commenced our walk through the woods. In disposing off the food we had carried in, we took some additional time and the companions from our flight were long gone into the woods. So it was just the 3 of us and the single track leading us to Brooks Falls. We crossed a small bridge, met a friendly ranger on the other side and proceeded along the trail (with bear scat littered) confidently after a report of no bear sightings in the vicinity. We chatted loudly and sang songs to alert nearly bears of our presence and keep them away as per the instructions. However, as we rounded a corner we saw it...

A mother with 3 cubs about 50 yards away, purposefully striding towards us on the human trail. Not another soul in sight! We cautiously turned around and looked for an escape. Luckily the path we were walking on had a fork to the left and we saw a National Park Service jeep parked there. We hastily made our way there (the jeep was of course locked) hoping that the bears would just continue along the straight path and not take the fork. Well, of course they had to take the fork as well. We felt like sitting ducks - the worst possible combination of coming face to face with a family of sows. Within moments the bears were right next to us while we stepped further to hide behind the jeep. Shaon kept talking in a calm voice so as not to startle the bears and to alert them to human presence in the vicinity. The bears were only about 10 feet away from us when the mother briefly paused in her stride to look directly at us (we were completely frozen in fear) before sauntering on her way along with her cubs. I was able to get a hasty shot from behind, blurry because of my shaking arms.

We waited a few minutes before heading back to the main path. None of us, daughter included, would even heave a sigh of relief until much later. We were well and truly spooked and daughter wanted to get on my shoulders immediately (understandably so). We had another mile to walk to get to the safety of the platforms. F**k!

We just had a very narrow scrape with 4 grizzly bears (a mother and 3 cubs) and had made it out unscathed and still had a mile to walk up to the Brooks Falls Platform where we would be safe from stray, uncontrolled encounters. My daughter had gotten onto my shoulders with a scared expression and while we humored her, she nervously giggled and kept repeating how now she was a 'scaredy cat' - I should have told her that it made 2 of us in fact...

We made it back to the fork in the road and continued along our way. As we proceeded further the path narrowed in to a single person trail with heavy undergrowth on both sides. We were still all alone and continued talking loudly among ourselves so as to alert a bear to our presence. We approached another bend in the road and Shaon whispers urgently in to my ears - BEAR!

This one was jogging straight at us - oh god, now what! At the interpretation center, they had told us that after a mother with her cubs, the next most dangerous thing to possibly encounter could be a bear running at you - it is angry and needs to take it out on someone/something. However, there was a slight difference as this one was jogging. It appeared that it had some place to go and it was making haste to get there faster. They had told us - get off the bear's path and step into the bushes. We duly did that. The jogging bear was approaching us and we were literally only 4 feet away from it when it paused, gave us a cursory glance and proceeded along its way. We heaved a sigh of relief while our daughter let out a loud whimper this time - this was too close! The running bear paused and briefly turned towards us, eye to eye. Shaon kept talking in an even voice and helped calm our daughter. The bear lost interest in us and went on its way. Whew!!!

By this time I was shaking in my boots. We were deep in the woods and had no choice but to proceed to the platform. After a walk for another 15 mins with heart-stopping turns around a few corners, we finally saw the blessed gates and quickly got on to the platforms. On arriving we reported our sightings to the forest ranger after finally finding our voice and went on to the platforms to observe the other hunting bears from a safe distance and height.

We had to go back though at some point. All the 3 of us were too nervous to go back on our own and looked for other company to get back to the interpretation center. We found 2 other friendly souls walking back and tagged along with them. One of them even had a bear spray canister (which I should have carried myself if I had planned better) and we made it back safe and sound back to the interpretation center.

The intervening period on the platform would have to be one of the most engrossing wildlife experiences we have ever had as we saw the aplomb with which the bears were fishing and the most dramatic sight of a salmon jumping straight into the jaws of a waiting bear. We even saw 2 of the dominant, resident males almost come to blows over fishing rights before better sense prevailed and they both stood down to fight another day. You can find some of our videos here, here, here and here.

The national parks service has conveniently located a webcam just below the platforms so anyone with a decent internet connection can see live the activity as visible from the platform. You can see it here:https://explore.org/…/br…/brown-bear-salmon-cam-brooks-falls