My mother-in-law Maniammal Devakumar passed away on November 20, 2025. For 2 weeks after her passing, I had so many reflections crowding my mind, but nothing concrete that I could write down. Finally when my sister-in-law wrote a moving tribute as her daughter on Facebook, I was able to anchor my thoughts as the “
perspectives of the daughter-in-law” 🙂
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As an individual...
My MIL was, without a doubt, one of the most disciplined people I’ve known, and I don't use praise lightly. She adhered to her daily routine with an almost sacred commitment. If you observed her for a day, you could map out her precise actions by the clock - her bath time, her meal prep time, her phone calls time, and her afternoon nap time.
She was also incredibly resourceful and fiercely independent. Since my father-in-law passed 18 years ago, she managed life on her own terms. She handled the marriage of both kids, navigated countless medical appointments, multiple hospital stays, her personal finances and overseas travel with confidence, minimally asking her children for help. She made 20 long-haul flights back and forth from US post her retirement all the way up to 2025. Of those, Ajith and/or me accompanied her the first, third and last time while every other time she flew solo. She had a reliable contact for every need - auto drivers on speed dial and relatives and friends within reach, knowing exactly who to call for what. She even knew when to reach out to my parents in Kolkata for things they would best assist with! 😄
She was just smart! If people gave her advice she did not agree with, she never argued, she’d listen but ultimately do what she thought was right. A funny anecdote on her smartness - One day my mom and MIL were both standing in front of a shelf of sarees. I was describing to my mom in Bengali which one to pull out. My mom was confused, but my MIL, who didn't speak or understand Bengali instinctively reached out and pulled out the right one. We all laughed at how she followed my Bengali directions faster than my bong mom 😛
MIL was superb with interpersonal relationships. She kept in touch with everyone, some yearly on birthdays, some monthly, some weekly and some daily (as though on schedule!). It was only after she passed that I realized that her regular messages to her daughter and some close friends were a clever alerting system: if people didn't hear from her, they knew to check in. (No more hate for ‘good morning’ messages, people!). She had a lovely close group of forever friends in Chennai and also created her own group of Bay Area friends from her yearly visits! She maintained a healthy relationship with my parents staying in Kolkata with them for weeks, visiting them with her friends and going on trips with them without needing me as a go-between!
And she loved to socialize with just about anyone. During her US visits, her happiest days were when we had visitors at home or we were visiting someone. All our friends have interacted with her multiple times and when she'd be back in India, she'd ask about everyone by name, genuinely curious about their whereabouts. Once we were at a camp at Larsen Volcanic National Park, and two heavily tattooed men on humongous Harley Davidsons rode up to the cottage next to us. Next thing I know, my MIL had made friends with them and was posing for photos with them and their bikes to share with her friends in India! 😬
When Taanu was born, Aunty was born as a grandma. Though she struggled initially to adjust to a new relationship dynamic, they quickly developed the most magical grand parent-child bond, much like the one I treasured with my own grandmother. All the way up until 2025, every time MIL visited from India, Taanu would move her pillow from her room to her Paati’s room and camp there for the entire 5-6 months she stayed. Paati had a gentle, patient, and friendly way with children; she managed all 4 of her grand children effortlessly, without ever resorting to coercion. They adored her easygoing nature and gentle affection.
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As a Mother-In-Law…
MIL and I first met in 2007; DH and I got married in 2010. It was not an easy adjustment for her - a Hindu, Bengali, non-vegetarian, non tamil speaking girl from out of town for her Jain Tamil vegetarian son from Chennai! At first, she secretly hoped the fling would pass. When the relationship was here to stay and we met multiple times, she once gently suggested I consider turning vegetarian. I half jokingly replied, "I could give up my fish if you could give up your dosa, Aunty!" That set the record straight and it never came up again! She quickly adapted to value our "odd combo," and we built a rhythm that weathered years of living harmoniously together.
I called her 'Aunty,' and we were both clear that marriage didn’t instantly make us mother-daughter like is believed in many indian cultures including mine! I had my mother, and she had her children. But it didn't diminish our bond either. Our relationship wasn’t overtly cute or mushy, nor was it fake, strained or superficial like the stereotypical saas-bahu sagas - we were like partners with common assets and mutual respect and got along better together under one roof than I would perhaps with my own mum 😂
In the kitchen, we had an organic division of labor on regular days. When we hosted guests, especially for a South Indian meal, we would plan together. If we decided on 8 items, she'd volunteer to make half while I made the other half. MIL would send me a grocery list on Whatsapp and start on her cooking a day in advance (since her ability to do much in one day was limited). There was one time when she was done with her entire share of cooking while I was yet to start and asked if she could take over my set too. I gladly delegated and gave her all the credit for the sumptuous meal. Likewise, she would openly praise my south indian cooking skills in front of everyone and was especially pleased when one time I invited all her bay area friends for dinner and cooked a meal for them.
If she had an unfulfilled bucket-list item, she would let me know, somehow believing it had a better chance of being fulfilled if I caught onto it. Whether it was about visiting temples on all special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries), or going to a particular gold shop on an exceptionally crowded day (where others would refuse), or seeing the Niagara Falls, the Grand Canyon, or the Taj Mahal, or Rajasthan, I feel fortunate that I was able to chase down many of her desired destinations over the years. My special memories are from when she saw/experienced snow for the first time in July 2017, or when she was beyond excited to be at the Niagara falls and when she pushed herself extra hard and walked double, probably triple her capacity to explore New York downtown in July 2019!
She loved going out. In the US we always picked houses close to a park just so she could walk there easily in the evenings, often with Taanu in tow. However, if she did not get her park trip for a few days in a row (mostly because it was too cold for her), I would call from work and ask - want to go out? She was eveready for this and as I would pull up the car into the driveway early evening, she'd be dressed and waiting post her afternoon nap and tea! Our outings weren’t fancy: sometimes just getting groceries, picking up the kids from school, driving to a class, visiting the temple, going to the park, or shopping followed by dinner. In recent years, besides the frequent South Indian restaurants, she developed a particular fondness for Radhe Chaat. There, we’d split two or three different stuffed parathas and a bowl of Shrikhand for a simple, hearty meal with the kids.
I always worried about her very fragile health and proclivity to fall violently sick over the most innocuous ailment. She appreciated me nursing her back to health after her near death encounter of 2012 and several hospital visits since. However, during her US visits, my fear peaked due to the unreliable healthcare system here specially for a visitor. I would constantly monitor what she ate in my characteristic bossy style. If she resented it, she never showed it to me directly 😉
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This is toooo long a eulogy already (and I know you've moved on!) and yet I have so much more to say! How do I write in brief about a person I shared a huge portion of my adult life with under the same roof - spent most time with right after my husband and daughter...But I must stop now!
In parting, Aunty, I am glad you are reunited with Uncle up there - I hope he's buying you flowers to match your saree as you both ride to the beach on his bike! I am truly grateful to God that you were active until the very last week of your life and experienced a peaceful passing without prolonged suffering surrounded by all your loved ones. I always worried about being far from my parents and you during a crisis. It must be your good karma that ensured we (your son, daughter and family) all received the right signal in time and were by your bedside to say our goodbyes while you could still see and hear us. Your daughter and son definitely, but Taanu and I needed that closure as well. I will always remember you for your wisdom and promise to keep your legacy alive by keeping up the beautiful relationships you introduced me to and recreating the signature recipes I learned from you. Rest in peace. ❤️
