4 tips to being a better parent to a teenager or young-adult

Parenting teaches us new lessons at every step of our child's life. While it may seem counter-intuitive, a large number of parents tend to struggle more as children grow, with a high degree of estrangement happening between parent and child as child gets to young adulthood. It was a prominent feature in my early adulthood years as the child and now I hear some of my older friends with grown children lamenting this has been their plight as parents, despite best intentions. My child is very young but as an offshoot of the conversations I have been having, I wanted to learn more about this matter to be better prepared for my future. Here I am sharing a gist of some of what I thought, heard, read and learned. I would love to enrich this summary of that with additional inputs, so please share feedback...

One would imagine it's easier to deal with an adult (or semi-adult/quasi-adult) kid. Adult to adult, it's all reason and common sense and should be so simple! And yet, we could not be farther away from the truth. Young adults and mature adults have very different perspectives. Ultimately, one is venturing into brand new territories while the other has been there, done that and wizened from their experiences and mistakes. Also, with changing times, the definition of right and wrong is constantly evolving so what may have been the best solution to a situation 20 years back, may not be the righteous path anymore.

As parents we often tend to be deeply protective of our children (well, duh!) and sometimes we show our protectiveness through an abundance of either

1. correcting, cautioning or reprimanding children for (what we think is) wrong behavior or
2. getting worked up about (what we think is) wrong and expressing our anxiety in big and small ways

While these work quite well for small children, parents need to exercise extra caution with older children as they branch out to a life of independence on their own. Tact needs to be the keyword in every interaction.

Deep concern and involvement in the child’s matters are absolutely golden parenting moves, you must think. Who if not a parent will look out for the child and help them even before they step into 'trouble'. If not for this, what good is in being a parent? While the emotion is fair, sometimes we get carried away with our urge to over-protect. Unfortunately for everyone (including these children) some mistakes have to be made for certain lessons to be learnt. Not everything can be taught. Some allowance must be given for children to experiment with their lifestyle choices, operate in the grey, stumble into the dark, recover from the shock and brace for life!

By being over-vigilant, as parents we tend to push the child away and make them unwilling to share their unformed or uncertain ideas and their deep, dark secrets. More than the fear of making a mistake or taking an uncertain step, the child is weary of the parent. Our anxiety or intense reaction is what they want to avoid most of all, not by not doing what they want to do but by hiding it away from us. So what should we parents actually do??

First, Build trust

As a parent, we are better served if our kids come to us no matter what and confide in us. If they tell us what's on their mind and what they may be struggling with we should help them by being approachable. So encourage that relationship... Take away the fear.

Second, Listen and Ask

When they come to you at their weakest, listen and then comfort. Hold back on the urge to provide direction, to jump in and fix things for them right away. Ask them if they need anything from you and if yes, ask how they'd like to be helped? Wait for them to articulate if they are looking for just a listener or guidance or more specific support. Don't assume. If they trust your motivation as a friend, they'll ask for your advice. If they suspect you are being an over-protective or angry parent, they'll recoil. If they have benefited from your deeper involvement and appreciate it, they'll say so. If not, stay put. It's ok, you cannot live their life for them, at least not always. So restrain the urge to jump in and save the day!

Third, Judge Not

Don't try the I-told-you-so approach ever, that is the worst of all the moves that furthers estrangement. Trust me, the child knows... Say it in your mind if you must! You do not need to rub it in. Also remember, you have had the advantage of being them (the child) before you became the parent. You have been in their shoe but they haven't been in yours. Cut them some slack. To quote Dumbledore from Harry Potter, ‘Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young’.

Fourth, Don’t Panic

Portray a sense of calm strength no matter what. If you are a nervous puddle yourself or are easily excitable, mostly anxious or quickly angry, your adult children will not confide in you. Even if you truly are that way, for your child's well-being, mask it and try to act put-together. They will want to save you the trouble if you are prone to anxiety and will want to deal with their mess on their own leaving you in the dark. If you want otherwise, prove to them from as early in their life as possible that you are the pillar they can lean on. This is an action that needs to start right away of you are a parent, no matter how old your kid is!

Disclaimer
While tips sound easy and fancy, every child is different, so is every parent and hence every parent-child relationship is unique. While the above ideas may generally hold true, there is a lot of allowance to be made for the personality of the child. For example, as against the guidance with #2 above, some kids may naturally crave more direct involvement even if they don't say so... hence it is also important to watch out and adjust accordingly. Seasoned parents seem to suggest that a trial and error approach helps them arrive at the most tdeal approach for their relationship!

Some helpful books on the related topic

• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
• 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work--Anywhere!: A How-To Guide for Practicing the Empathic Listening, Speaking, and Dialogue Skills to Achieve Relationship Success
• Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents