8 years of marriage and then some...

My marriage just hit the 8 year mark. And while I'd like to think we got this far because our match is made in heaven, both husband and I agree that would be a whole lot of BS. Then how did we survive all these years despite our hugely volatile temperaments and wildly different personalities? It is probably a sub conscious strategic maneuver of inter dependence that helped us hold it together, though, I must add, no amount of strategy can guarantee it will be held together for another 8 😎.

This week I was thinking (because that's what lazy people do, think!) that if I could conjure 8 lessons for my 8 years of marriage what would they be? Well, for better or worse, through calm and fury, here's the list I came up with.

Love with abandon

I read somewhere, 'Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them' and it struck a chord. Work, food, finance, weight, sleep: all things nowadays can be and is measured. The dreariest thing would be to develop a measure for love as well. I drive my husband crazy with my relentless silly, impulsive acts of love (he may call it a pain) but that's what makes it fun and exciting for me at all times.

Lay out your cards

Living with someone for an extended period requires a set of agreements. This in my opinion is just as true for a marriage! It is important to state and understand what items you are willing to compromise on vs what are things that are never negotiable. For example, for me, I can accept lack of heady romance but infidelity to me is unpardonable. Likewise I know what would be pardonable offenses to my husband vs what he'd never be able to forgive me for. This understanding of 'code of conduct' (if you will) helps give us both a lot of space to do what we want in our lives and yet set some boundaries.

Develop common interests

Husband and I had few to no common interests to begin with which was a problem. We could easily drift apart just by virtue of that. I loved hanging out with people, he loved his own company. He loved cricket and books while I never fancied sports or excessive book reading. Eventually, we recognized this was a problem and we both relented and started taking interest in each other's passions. We became accommodative in terms of time and energy and patience with what the other person enjoys doing, while also discovering totally new areas of common interests over time. Now we have a bunch of things we do best together.

Also, hold on to your personal interests

I was excessively dependent on my husband for his attention and time which was a cause of friction. I would hardly give him space and he'd hardly want to hang out with me all the time (or never!). This wasn't going well. I learnt over time to develop my own friends and also develop my own set of personal interests which dramatically improved our relationship. It gave me a renewed sense of purpose and heightened sense of self respect while also ensuring that after extended time frames of doing our own thing when we got back together we were curious about each other and exciting to each other and really looking forward to our time together.

Believe in equality and respect

Marriage is not a one way street. No one person could be responsible for everything-  financial stability, home making, cooking, parenting, social obligations etc. It is important for the relationship to be a partnership and for both partners to agree that they are equal and valuable contributors! That way, one does not develop a sense of unreasonable superiority and there remains a sense of ongoing mutual respect and understanding.

Don't go to bed upset

Arguments and disagreements are inevitable! But if happiness is a focus, it's so very important to not let things fester. Attempting to resolve things before going to bed every night may be a good strategy to ensure small issues do not become larger silences which then become a huge matters of ego. Both individuals need to play an active role in this, in willing to accept when one slips up and to apologize and the other person needs to accept the apology without too much fuss and be willing to move on. One rule we follow is attempting to not respond to anger with anger. If one party is angry the other party pleads guilty (however less guilty he/she may be in that instance) and proceeds to resolve the difference thereby de-escalating the situation. It can't be the same person apologizing every time though.

Dwell on the positives

We are not perfect nor are our partners. But there is a great deal of good that we may ignore if we constantly look at what others may seem to have and encourage wistful thoughts. Accept what is yours as you accept yourself despite the flaws and think positive thoughts. For all you care, your friend's seemingly perfect husband will never be yours to keep so moving on from those thoughts might not be a bad idea at all.

Prioritize each other

Spending time with each other, thinking about each other is just so important! If you continuously prioritize work, career, children over your partner you will drift apart in a manner that it will be difficult to get back together and build the lost friendship and rapport. Distant relationships often fail not just because of the physical distance but also because of the psychological distance it brings in its wake. A marriage absolutely needs physical and emotional closeness and interdependence. One needs to deeply feel the warmth and comfort of being with each other and for each other such that it becomes something you need and want repeatedly.

My husband and I are as different as night and day. But like one said, 'A great marriage is not when a ''perfect couple'' comes together but when an ''imperfect couple'' learn to relish their differences'. I believe we've learnt to accept each other for who we are and are deeply dependent on each other. This is what in my humble opinion helps a marriage survive the many cracks and dents. Hope it is helpful food for thought for others who encounter a rocky start like we did.

Interestingly, while I was thinking through this list, I was also curious about what my husband's lessons from marriage are so I asked him. Below is his list of 4! Maybe I should have never asked 😔

1. Wife is always right (of course!)

2. Wife will take your jokes and put a spin on it and make it hers  😏

3. Act busy or your wife will make you busy 😱

4. All mistakes will be caught, without exceptions, and documented for future reference 😂

As my face turned crimson😡,  to remedy damage, he added a 5th...

5. It's generally good to be married (even if it is just to have someone else to blame for things that go wrong)

😳😳😳😳😳

US Visa Renewal at Tijuana, Mexico

There is remarkably less information available online on this topic. But Tijuana, Mexico is one of the closest places one can go to from the US to get US visas renewed, specially if you are based in California. Given the short processing times (3 days) it is usually pretty convenient.

Paying Visa Fees

Each applicant for US Non Immigrant Visa has to pay the visa application fee (MRV) to schedule an appointment. When we scheduled our appointment mid 2017, Mexico Embassies and Consulates were not accepting Credit Cards and the only way to pay was to pay physically at a Banamex or Scotiabank which was painful. However, this might have changed now and credit card payment might be ok now. Once the fees are paid, one can use the 'MRV Fee Receipt Number' to secure visa appointments online.

Travel to Tijuana

Tijuana is just across the border from San Diego in Southern California. While one can fly to Tijuana, it is easy to drive across the border or cross the border on foot from San Diego, California. There are two Port of Entries (POE), San Ysidro and Pedwest and the latter is lesser known and recommended due to being newer, cleaner, faster and noticeably safer. On the US side the Pedwest entry point offers a huge face-lift compared to the the San Ysidro POE which is the world’s bussiest land broder crossing!

My family and I took an Uber all the way to the border and crossed on foot- it was quick and hassle free and we were able to find an Uber on the other side just as easily to get to the hotel. There is no payment required at the border but one needs to have valid documents to be able to enter Mexico - if you have a valid US visa that is sufficient to enter Mexico. If you don't, look for guidance here.

One can also reach the border by taking the San Diego trolley - the blue line goes all the way from American Plaza to San Ysidro border crossing. Pedwest is a brisk 20-min walk from the last station on the line.

Stay and Getting Around

Tijuana is not widely recommended as a place to go to due to historical incidents of violence (between 2008-2012). However, from our experience it is like any other place unless you are seeking drugs or prostitution. It is recommended to cross the border on foot as against driving because it is faster and there is lesser chance of getting into a situation where someone might try to use your vehicle to smuggle drugs back into the States or where you may get into some car trouble with your vehicle in Mexico (for example: In Mexico, they do not recognize your US car insurance as valid!).

In Tijuana, one could chose to stay in a decent hotel in a safe neighborhood if you can pay for it. I'd recommend the Hyatt or other nearby hotels (in Blvd. Agua Caliente)  because they are closer to places you can eat and very close to where you need to go for your visa fingerprints. Lot of folks going to Tijuana for US Visas stay at the Hyatt and it may be possible to pool in with others for rides to the Consulate or for company in general. There is a supermarket called ‘Super’ right next to Hyatt for things like water, milk, snacks, etc. There is also a small pharmacy within Super for basic medicines.

Ubers are widely available - the app offers you to choose from English speaking drivers at the same cost as Spanish speaking drivers so choosing the former may be helpful as you want to get around to the embassy or otherwise. Uber is almost always cheaper than a local taxi. With Taxis, you can negotiate the prices in Mexico.

Fingerprinting, Photos and Visa Appointment

You can check for details around US Embassies and Consulates in Mexico here and details specific to Third Country Nationals requiring Visa renewals here. When you set your visa appointment online, you will have to select two appointment slots- one for the fingerprinting and photos and the second for the actual visa appointment which happens typically the following day.

Fingerprinting happens at a different location from the Tijuana Consulate. The place is 5 mins walk from Hyatt. The process for fingerprinting and photos is quick and easy. Visitors are not allowed to carry any electronics so best to leave cell-phones back at the hotel. We arrived at the location early, it is free and we were done with fingerprints and photos ahead of scheduled appointment time.

The following day we had our Visa Interview at the Consulate. The Tijuana Consulate is located centrally, easy to get to and managed well. The staff are polite and helpful and the officers are experienced. It is important to arrive on time to clear security and it is best to not carry electronics. In fact, even Fitbits are considered electronics since they have GPS trackers - best to leave them behind as well.

In case you arrive at the embassy carrying anything that is not permissible inside, there is a small shop within the embassy waiting area which can hold it for you (for a small fee) until you are done.

Once inside, we first received a token number and then had an officer verify our documents (DS-160, I-129S etc). We then had to pay the fraud prevention fees (applicable to L visas only I believe, can be paid by credit card) and wait to be called for interview. This took a while but eventually when we were called the interview was quick. The officer asked us to come by the following day at 3 pm and collect our visas.

Visa Interview Outcome

Once the Visa Interview happens, I believe there are three possibilities- visa granted in which case one can collect the stamped passport the following afternoon and travel back to the US; visa denied in which case the officer should hand back the passport and a slip stating the denial reason - if the visa is denied you cannot get back into the US and will have to travel to your home country which can be expensive and a genuine risk. The third possibility is where the visa is held back for further administrative processing. In such a case, it may take a few days and additional documentation until the visa is either granted or denied.

Collecting the Passport and Return to the US

We went back the following afternoon at 3 pm to collect our visas as asked. There were few people whose passport were unfortunately not ready (both H and L categories) though they were asked to come that day to collect. In some cases, folks got their passports back the following day while in other cases it took 3-4 additional days. There could be additional approvals pending from Washington for select cases which prolongs the visa issuance time. This can be nerve-wracking for those on a schedule but if you are going to a third country for a visa, one should be prepared for this outcome and budget time accordingly.

We were able to cross the border without hassle the following day. The US Border folks were less familiar with L visas and took a while to issue the I-94 document but it was done eventually and I was able to cross-over.

When crossing back, always select Pedwest crossing for the reasons mentioned above. You would need to pay $6 for a copy of your I94 when entering back - change is available and I think credit card payments are also possible.

Hope this has been helpful for those who wish to get their US visas renewed at Tijuana. Mexico!

#USVisa #Tijuana #Mexico #India #H1BRenewal #L1Renewal

Of reflections and resolutions - Life lessons and best practices

New year does not mean everything is new. It no longer even means a calendar on the wall will definitely be replaced! All it means is that another year has gone by taking with it another sizable chunk of living our mechanical lives and snapping out of it's monotony for a bit to stop, look back and reminisce the good, regret the bad and set some expectations for the future...The dreaded New Year Resolutions! Dreaded because they are more often too lofty and ambitious to be lived through!

Given how lazy I am, my New Years are always more about reflection on what's gone by than goals related to what could be. For me it also involves some prayer and much hopefulness.

These last few days of 2017, I followed the same pattern as every year end and reflected. Looked back on many many old photos (thanks to technology it is so easy to flip back and forth!) and wondered how I got so lucky! I remembered the the many amazing people near and far (through technology) who enrich my life everyday with their large and small gestures.

This year, I was able to let go of envy even further than before! I am almost entirely bereft of it I think. There are people more beautiful and more rich, more smart and more ambitious but they never make me feel small anymore. I am happy to be who I am and deeply satisfied with what I have. It makes me oddly complacent and stress-free!

I still have too much prejudice however. And while I know I could be a better person without it I seem to be unable to get past this.

This year I have rekindled an old meaningful friendship and made few new friends. With these new friends I have formed deeper, more meaningful relationships than I have with people in the past. I have invested time in listening, understanding, in trying to judge less and being supportive in ways I can. I have stayed clear of people who mostly bring out negative vibes in me and tried to be less confrontational to the best of my ability. The best of my ability is still not good enough though. I have a long way to go...

2017 I struck a great balance between work and life but not enough between life and health. 2018 would be auspicious if I can change that!

Traveling with family has been enriching - it's given me the chance to spend so much meaningful time with my dearest, to see and seek and learn and to get back to work refreshed. Looking forward to more fitness oriented outdoor activities with family in 2018 and to working with each other to bring out our best form.

Of everything that evolves, evolution has been the fastest with the 5 year old! She's sleeping on her own, brushing on her own and so so independent! She took turns learning some ballet, then soccer and has now settled for bharatnatyam and swimming. Seasonally she also took ice skating classes. 2018 I am hoping to introduce her to more rugged outdoor activities starting with rock climbing. Watching her grow, encouraging her to learn and experiencing life with her has been my biggest pleasure. Year on year I want to keep doing more of this!

I have learned to love my husband for who he is and appreciate his perspective more than before. This took years of arguing, some compromise, some maturity and lot of compassion on both sides. It's been worth all the effort and energy where in the end we look forward to our time together. I am grateful to God for helping me arrive at this point in life.

2017 has reinforced my belief that happiness comes from within, it is not a factor of your wealth or success or position. It stems from the choices you make around thoughts you want to entertain, battles you wish to fight, aspirations you want to chase or let-go, people you choose to surround yourself with and stress you are willing to carry. This is all a choice, no matter what station you are at, in life.

I have made my choices and I resolute to firmly stand my ground through 2018 and beyond...