Life is full of decisions that you have to make and live by. Growing up as an only child I always hoped that when I have kids, there’d be 2. When my daughter was born, I wanted her to have a sibling afterwards. There are many reasons but mostly because I feel that a sibling is the only person who, when you grow up and move away from the same household and are thrown into life and need someone to talk to, can relate to your thought process. You’ve had the same upbringing and share context way more than anybody else in the world, your sibling knows you! But for reasons beyond my individual control, I have just one amazing daughter and will have no more children!
Being the only one myself I have often tried to form deep bonds with some friends but have realized that despite best intentions they may not relate to some of the baggage I carry from my early life or will not knock sense into me with personal motivation without the fear of a fall-out the way I would have liked. Also, when the time of reckoning comes, their siblings trump me on the value and attention index :/. I am still grateful for them and cannot complain but the realization and distance remains.
With the decision to not have more children, for me, the waves of sorrow come and go, crashing on the rocky shores of practicality. It comes every time a friend is pregnant with a second one (it could have been me!), when I see two siblings play with each other at the park or when I see a mom cuddle her little one and I am reminded of the fact that I wouldn’t experience that again. When my daughter was smaller, I was so focused on being adequately prepared to go back to work post maternity leave and making the transition easy for her and in dealing with some unforeseen family crisis, I did not savor a lot of the beautiful early motherhood moments. If I had another one, I think I would do differently and make that experience my priority. My husband unlike me, prefers to have just one child. Despite having a sibling he doesn’t attach particular value to that relationship or think of it as something he must replicate for his daughter.
In any case, the feeling of sadness has become less frequent and less piercing over time. To further aid that, I have asked myself, ‘how do I make sure the regret I have over not savoring the infant days for my daughter do not carry through for additional years of her childhood and adulthood?’ Crystallizing that thought has helped me make our mother-daughter relationship a priority over many other aspects of life over the years. I make a focused effort to listen to my daughter, hold her tight often and make her feel loved. I tell her how she’s loved and spend quality time with her. I don’t miss important activities or moments with her for work or other commitments; I have decided consciously and happily to de-prioritize those. I am deliberate with all my actions surrounding her, they are not reactive due to fatigue but as often as possible they are plans made with care. I try to listen to what she wants and try to think of ways I can make the plan even more awesome and memorable for her and encourage her to come up with more ideas to share with me.
I have learnt to focus on the pleasures of being the mother of the one child I surely have- I get to act as the sibling sometimes, mock fighting over what games to play, pouting when her choice wins, playing seriously and winning and booing her and acting accomplished when she’s upset over her loss.
We do lots and lots of art and craft- we watch craft and recipe videos together, then go buy supplies and whip up dishes together. We pour glue over the floor and blame each other and we paint our imagination on paper and color it rainbow. We solve complicated puzzles together on the floor for hours. We bake breakfast cookies together and cupcakes, we make lots of cards for occasions round the year and focus on hand-made over store bought just to tinker with stuff together, learning and enjoying and deepening our bond. We take dress up seriously at times and accessorize in matching beads, paint our nails and pick out shoes and clothes for each other. We plot naughty plans and I act as her partner in crime and make that a larger goal over over being a strict disciplinarian. I wish to make up for the missing sibling just as much as I wish to have a fulfilling relationship with her through life.
After all of this, we have very little time for TV. I don’t need to use TV as an alternative to spending time with my daughter and while it is very alluring to her, she still finds coloring and visiting the library more fun as activities.
My daughter has turned out to be as expressive as I am, often giving me tight hugs, expressing her love for me and showing me off to her school friends and teachers as the ‘cool’ mom. She likes rolling in bed and cuddling while we play with each others hair over running for her toys and being by herself.
It’s been a rewarding experience, trying to get over the disappointment of one child and focusing on the pleasure of that one child. There is no right decision, it’s just about learning to live happily with the decision you make.
When it comes to one child, there are many benefits I have learnt to be thankful for.
With my daughter being 4 now, it’s easy to travel with her. Travel is a big priority for our family. She can walk and need not be carried and she is independent. If I had one more smaller child mobility would be at least somewhat limited, tiredness would be more, need for planning would be accentuated and there would be some economic strain in going from 3 tickets to 4 and. We can all fit in one hotel bed and a SUV is just fine. With another child and my MIL frequently visiting, we’d need a minivan.
Travel is just one thing. There are others- needing more diapers and more of everything including time and patience and attention. Doing double the homework, driving to additional classes and birthday parties for pick up and drop, cooking more variety of meals to cater to different tastes and dealing with double the amount of tantrum.
I have heard that it takes an exceptionally strong marriage to survive a second child without anyone being bruised. It is hard work, needs focus and empathy and coordination, despite the tiredness and business. Between us my husband and I have so many varied life aspirations, another child may have been a struggle and I would hate to rock the boat!
Then there is the fear of the unknown. I don’t know if we were willing if we’d have a perfectly healthy second baby. I don’t know if I’d be an awesome mother of two with how overworked I think I’d be. I don’t know how crazy it would be if I landed with twins or triplets on round two. What I do know is that I have this one amazing child I am thankful for and I can give this relationship my all. And that’s what I am doing. Sooner or later, the sorrow will pass but with acceptance, the happiness has continued to grow.
